We study in the same University as a Economy student. My favorite thing in here is my friend, All of them are nice—Not to mention if they are fake, but this is enough for me who has dark past. My environment was bad before I crashed here, I always think that is just my dream but it feels hurt whenever I try to remember.
My mom is dead, My father is a cockhead, He plays with many girls out there. I even doubted that he is my father. The only man I can depend on is my brother— before he falls in love. Practically, I do not have anyone-anything to depend on, I have to stand by myself all this time.
“So, How? Have you make your decision?”
“I do not know” I scratch my head
“Do not rush yourself, You have 2 weeks to decide which activity you want to join”
“Let us go home, It is late already”. I stand up from my place and sitting on backseat motorcycle, I told you that I have better life now.
Looking at stars is one of my favorite things to do in the night, Sometimes I think about my future. I do not know what I want to be in the future, One always tell me ‘be yourself’ but even myself do not know what is ‘myself’. This is why I often follow people doing their things because I do not have anything to do, I do not know what I want to do. Ze is one of my closest friend--- maybe the only one, so no doubt I want to copy everything. I clenched my fist whenever I am going home, tears dropping from my eyes as I clenching my fist bearing all this feelings inside me, no matter how hard I try to tell myself that everything will be alright I always end up getting hurt without reason. I wet my own uniform but what matter is Ze always trying to comfort me as if nothing happens.
“Again?” Ze asks with curiosity
“Do you feel good after crying?”
“Yes”
“Go on”
“But I’m a—“
“You are also a human, You can feeling things and you have rights to express it” Ze try to comfort me by grasping my left hand.
---
“Stupid creature like you will never know what is the meaning of life”
I cry again with scars in my body while my father beat me with baseball stick. This is what happen if I late to back home and did not answer his call. He beats me like I am nothing but a punchbag that deserve to get beaten. I always hide these scars with my sweater so it’s not a big problem to have more scars. He grab my forehead and slap my face while saying some words that inaudible for me since I almost lose my consciousness. These scars, these marks, these suffers feels nothing than just a rock in front of my life, I do always believe there will be miracle smiling upon me but hour by hour, day by day, I am waiting the miracle to come.
“Stop” As I sobbing, begged my father to stop but he did not listen to me and continue his beating. I lose my consciusness again like a caterpillar who needs time to be a butterfly, I faint onto the floor and did not know what happen next.
The next day, I woke up and there is a cookie on my desk beside me I assume my brother made that cookie. My head is spinning as I am trying to get up and memorize what happened last night, but everything seems blurry to me and those memories-- memories that I try to forget plays again inside my head. While holding this pain, I am checking my phone and there it is, 10 messages unread and all of them are Ze’s, but there are two message that caught my attention. It says Ze knows there is something wrong and Ze asks me to absence today, How can I reject? Of course I accept Zes offer.
I am preparing myself while waiting Ze to pick me up and do not forget about the cookie my brother made. I wear brown jacket as my outer, white T-shirt, ripped jeans, brown shoes and my favorite hand-watch. There is something I can not explain about my feelings when I am with Ze, I texted Ze that I'm ready to go.
‘Bam!’
“Where’d you go?” My brother asks.
“My friend will pick me, Campus of course.” I know it is a lie but this is weekdays so my excuse is valid. My brother lets me go and tell me that my father is sleeping so I do not have to worry.
---
“I already chose what activity I will join” I smiled to Ze with proud.
“Hmm? Can you tell me?”
“No unless you show your paper” Ze gave the paper, I read that paper and found out that Ze will join football activity. This is fate, I will join football also because I love kinds of ball; Football, Baseball, Basketball are my favorite even though many people said this kind of things is not suitable for me. I gave it back to Ze and tell Ze that we will in the same activity. Ze nod and smile while sightseeing sky.
Ze and I are getting closer each day since we joined same activity in our campus, I do not know whether I have to be happy or not, I feel strange that I always feel happy whenever Ze and I together. People may call this love but I never experienced love before so it is strange feeling for me. I never feel loved or love in my life, I always think that I do not deserve any happiness due to my abusive father I have.
“Hey” I have to prove what feeling is this. Ze look back at me, Ze gives me questioning looks to me seems Ze knows there is something in my mind.
“I do happy... to have a friend like you...” Ze does not get what I am trying to say.
“Uhm... Yes? What should I answer? I also... happy to have a friend like you?”
‘Ting’ My handphone rang before I confess my feelings.
‘Is there something between you two? Well.. I just want to clarify about something, See me at faculty building tonight’
“What is it?” Ze asked, I refuse to tell.
“I think... I will go home by myself”
And here I am, with Melody whom sent me message earlier. I look at her desparately hoping there is nothing wrong in here since she set her face as she wants to bite me alive. I am trying to explain what is our relationship, but she does not care. Guess what? I think talking to rock is useless.
“From now on, Ze and you... I hope you know what I mean”
Why should I? Did I do something wrong? What is this situation? Is there any problem linked between three of us?
“Or you will regret it” She leaves me after. I know Ze and Melody are quite close lately, but I think there is no point she accuse me with such reason and offense me like I am a sinner. After she left, She texted me ‘Is ze with you? I hope this is the last time’. I clenched my fist because Ze is here when I said I will go home by myself.
I went out and there Ze is. Ze asks me what happened but I keep my mouth shut like there is nothing I can explain anymore. Ze seems terrified I can tell from that expression, but I think Melody’s explanation is enough to alert me and I try not to look for problem so this is the best way I could do for this situation. Ze looks at me and ask me nicely what happened but I still insist to tell, I asks Ze to go home now, like a pet, Ze obey me and leave me alone that night.
So, this is how it ends, I should be grateful that I did not dive deeper than this between Ze and me, So I could bear this feeling—again, I knew this will happen, but I was careless when I know this day would come sooner or later. I walk hopelessly, guessing I am such a trouble maker and no one can get close to me. Once again, I look up into the endless night sky while thinking why this all happened in a blink of an eye. Does God do not want to see me happy, or He tests me? I do not know either
---
I have been hiding myself for 2 weeks, and I do not want Ze find me. I also absent from my activity without notify my coach since this is my personal problem and I do not want my couch talks anything bad about me, so I am hiding from everyone. How am I hiding when I am in the same class with ze? Of course by absence from class. I think I messed up my life and that is fine. My father does not care about me that much, He never talks to me anymore since that incident and I do not know why, Should I feel blessed or scared? My brother also silent and I do not know what happen. I keep receiving messages from you-know-who but I never replied and I decide to shut my phone. I am isolating myself and regretting all my faults even though I am not sure that is completely my fault.
My brother came to my room and inform me that my friend is come to see me, I knew who is it even I still do not see its face, but I completely knew since I do not have many friends around my circle. I nod my head and prepare myself to meet my ‘friend’. After that, I ask my brother to call my friend to come into my room, He gives his thumb and call my friend. As I expected, Ze is here, I ask what happened but Ze silent at the moment. Then, Ze gives me message as I opened the message Ze sits next to me in my bed.
‘How have you been? I know between you and Melody, but I do not know that this could affect you this much. I came here to see you... I miss the moment when we play together and study together. I mean... You do not have to absent like this, If you want me to get out from your way... I will... But please attend the class for yourself not for me. Fold this paper into 4 if you want me to vanish from your life,but I will give you something—puzzle like, or fold this paper into 2 if you want me to stay by your side. Now your choice is in your hand. Give it to me when you are done, I will not persuade or disturb you.’
‘It is okay, I will respect your choice since you are totally awake when you decide this. It has 6 parts in total, I gave you the first part—its left leg. If you want me to come back in the future, Please accept my request. I only write one request each part means there are 6 requests from me.
1. Forgive yourself, after that, your closest friend at that time will give you the next part.
---
It has been a semester from the last time that ‘incident’ happened. Now, I am happier than before since no one disturb me anymore---that girl is also dissapeared from my sight. I save that wooden doll in my bookshelf since I rarely use my bookshelf---you know I do not like reading. I already forgive myself, but it does not mean I want Ze to comeback in my life. I do not want ruin anyone’s life anymore like I did in the past.
Everything is getting better now, My father is not as abusive as before, My brother is caring more than before, My grades are getting better, I have more friends than before. It is not a dream, I believe God wants to see me happy for now after he tested me all this time. I also join college student’s organisation in my faculty to get any experience I could get.
I am working on my new project, This project is made to collect charity for poor people. This is my first project since I join this organisation and I am so happy about it, at last, I could do something for people around me. My team is an executor for this project means I have to execute any plans related to this project such as collecting charity, helping another team, transfer the charity, and so on. It may bit tougher for me since I do not have any experience related to this, but I will do my best in my first time.
“Hey, have you done the Statistic’s assignment that given to us last week?” His name is Jack and he is very kind. He is one of the richest student in here. I have no doubt about his popularity
“What!?“
“Chill... I know you have not done your homework so I will give it to you” He chuckles and leave something in my bag I believe that is the answer sheet.
“Thank you, Jack... I do not know what will happen if you did not came here”
“I am leaving then... See you in the class”
---
“Late again? I will not absent your name this time, What number are you?”
I am enjoying my dinner and watching Television to release my stress this day. My brother loves to cook. He cooks everything he wants, I doubt where he gets that skill, I mean cooking is referred to woman’s duty, but I think he does not care about that. That is why I love my brother since He does not have mindset that logistic works are woman’s job. I wish everyman in this world have this kind of mindset.
“How about your homework? Have you done it?”
“Not yet”
“Do it, I know you have tight schedule, but you must know which one is your priority”
I nod my head as my brother told me to do my homework. It is breathtaking to do this everyday. I come inside my room and put out my books to do my homework, but something is cracking I am not sure. I look inside my bag what sound is that. I found wooden doll in there, This time I got its right leg, I guess? There is a sticky note attached.
‘2. Make more friends, after that, the friend which thanks to you the most will give you the next part
Again? I do not have any intend to do the request but I do not know something inside me crawling, but how Ze put this in? Could it be... Ze used Jack to give this?
---
Day by day passed. I complete each request without knowing it. It was like my body drive me to do the request when I do not want to. This should be the last request, but I do not have any courage to open the sticky notes since I feael something bad is written. I save it in my bag to anticipate whenever I want to accept the last request.
This is the last day we attend class. We will have our thesis reviewed by our lecturer next week. Everyone is preparing their best to graduate in the right time. I prepare my thesis as best as I can do, but it seems strange. I do not know why I can not focus on my thesis after I hear rumour that Melody with you-know-who will arrange their marriage after their thesis review is done.
It is not that I mad about it, It just feels different. It has been 3 years since last time we communicate at intense rate, but it still feels yesterday. Everything is fine, my family, my friend, my career, but something still empty in my heart, something that I can not fill with only achievements. I know maybe it is about love and I do not have that in my entire life.
“Alex, I think I am not ready for the next week.” I put my head down, breathing out quite bad.
“Why? I see your thesis and your power point are well-prepared than me” He chuckles
“I do not know, Let us graduate enjoy our time while we can!”
“This is totally you, haha~!”
---
“Number 20, Please be prepared in 10 minutes and then you may come inside the room. Thank you”
There it is, My number has been called. I am preparing myself and my material to present to my lecturer. I pray to God everything will be okay, but it seems God himself is nervous watching upon me. Time has passed to nine minutes, There is one minute left. I stand up from my place and wait in front of the door.
“How is it!?” Alex approaching me
“That was escalated so quickly, I think everything is fine” I take my heaviest breath.
“Thanks God, so... Let us eat some food! My treat”
---
One week after that, I opened the last request. I did not know how to react. I was twisted at that time. It felt so unreal. I stressed out to read the last request because I did not think the last request will be like that.
‘6. Say ‘I love you’ to me, My answer will be the same no matter when you say it.
I opened the last request at the same time when I opened the invitation to wedding party. I was shocked, twisted, and surprised at the same time. There were only 5 days left to accomplish this request before I too late. I knew that was wrong decision at that time, but I kept waiting until the day comes. I knew I was a fool, but past me is an actual fool.
The day has come, The day when that marriage will be held. I was preparing myself before I go while my brother was waiting me outside to take me to the wedding place. I was nervous and I did not prepare any plan for it. If I was knew it before, I would confess first. I went to the wedding party at pace I did not care about my fashion or ettiquete at that time because I knew if I was not there on time, I will be late.
I was there an hour earlier than the others, I could not wait to say this feeling. I ran to the hall, and I meet Ze in there.
“Hey!” I approached Ze.
“Oh~! Hey... How have you been? It’s been a while. Do you have something to say?”
“Of course, I am here to congratulate you”
Ze frozen out when I spoke, but Ze still calms at that time, Ze listens to me patiently. I looked down to my knees avoiding the eyecontact.
“I do not want to ruin your marriage. I just do this so I do not regret this in the future” I clenched my fist inside my pants’ pocket and looked at zes eyes.
“I like you”
An hour has been passed, many guests has come. I was enjoying the food they have been prepared while waiting the reception. Ze was so good with that outfit as good as Melody’s outfit, and their marriage was also well-prepared and neat. My brother, in another side, He was talking with his colleague on the phone and ignoring me.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Now is the time for the Wedding Ceremony. The groom and the bride please come to the altar.”
People were stood up and paid attention as the headman announce that the wedding ceremony will be held soon.
The Headman was done his speech, now I waited to hear the answer.
“Yes, I am longing for this day. The day that my love will be answered, The day that I found my true love, The day when I feel so happy that no one could feel.” Ze speeched while looking at me, I could felt it. I was thinking is this how wedding ceremony supposed to or it was just improvisation.
“I appreciate you to confess your feelings today” Ze got down from the altar walked to me, I was not sure.
“I also appreciate you could defeat your ego” Everyone put their sight to me, What happened!?
“I do not know what will happen if I continue this marriage” Ze was in front of me
“Brandon...” Those voice, The voice that made me drunk. Everything felt silenced at that time. I only can hear zes voice.
“Will you marry me?” I was zoning out. I did not know what I want to say. Ze stood and looked me deep. I also looked deep into those brown eyes which I miss the most.
“Hug me if you accept me” Ze moved closer, closer, and closer and the only I knew at that time is that those eyes were beautiful, those hairstyle, and those outfit.
“Do not do it here, Richard... Let us do it somewhere else” I whispered to Richard
“HEY STOP! THAT WAS DISGUSTING!!!” I shout at him.
“No~! It was fun how you are falling in love with me” He chuckles as if this is a comedy.
“THIS IS WHY I SHOULD NOT CONFESS TO YOU AT THAT TIME!” I scratch my head even there are nothing itch.
“Well... I want to know what requests have you got?”
“No, Forget it... I believe you used black magic to make me fall in love with you” I am eating our snack that we bought before we came in this mountain and ignoring Richard.
“Well... I remember that the first one was, forgive yourself. The second one was make more friend. The third one, I want you to study harder. The fourth one, I want you to make money. The fifth one I remember this was on my sixth semester, I want you to love yourself after what all you did, and the last one...” He chuckles
“STOP OR I LEAVE!?” I stopped him before he said those words that I hate.
“You should do this more, I love your whining hehe~” He pats my head, Those pats are warm, but actually no.
“I do not like it” No, it is not warm, But I need it more.
“Brandon.... This is the last part of the doll” He gives me the head of the doll, I am wondering why he still remembered where he puts it.
“But, Brian... You like me right?” Richard is tickling me hard. I think I will die soon if he keep doing it.
“No!! RICHARD!!! YOU! HAHA!! STOP!!!” He stopped suddenly after he suppresed me. Our face is close enough, I look at him what happened but what I got is those eyes again. The eyes that always make me drunk. Actually, Everything about him could make me drunk.
“Brandon... Do you love me?” I am zoning out, He kisses my lip in this outside world as if this world was made for us. Our kiss became intense and I get the heavy breathing at the moment, but Richard is kissing me without any hesitation.
‘Always, Richard’
‘And thanks for loving this stubborn man’